I've Started Wrestling
You've probably taken interest in what I have to say because the idea of me wrestling someone left you either confused or laid out on the floor in laughter. Unfortunately for me, I've been wrestling against an opponent I am never going to beat. He stands taller and stronger than anything I could ever imagine, and He constantly reminds me that I can't avoid Him. The wise words from our preacher last Sunday reminded us, "It's okay to be wrestling with God, but just know God never loses." Amen.
For me, it isn't the physicality of wresting with God that leaves me mentally exhausted and emotionally numb. I have chosen to get into the ring with him over the last three months for circumstances I have quickly realized I can not get through on my own. I am sitting here thinking back to where I was six months ago with tears welling up because I am nowhere near where I thought I would be. I had this beautiful watercolor painting in my head of what life would look like and continue to become, but once again God came in and reminded me of His control.
Three months ago, I sat outside a coffee shop when God decided to tap on the window to a conversation I never saw coming. He tried to hold me then, but I quickly ran away. My heart and mind was not prepared for the words shared or the pain that would follow my relationship ending. I didn't see it coming, and I don't understand why it happened when it did. Over the past two months, I adapted the "you did this to me" mentality. I slipped back into a dark place I thought I had waved goodbye to a long time ago. I was scared and weak. I remember laying down and feeling like my body was full of air. I didn't feel anything.
My anxiety instantly increased. I had so much school work piling up. I wasn't going to my volunteer opportunities because emotionally I was in no place to be around strangers. If I did go, I usually cried during my drive home because faking happiness for three hours had become exhausting. I didn't want anyone to know what had happened. I didn't want to answer the questions that would follow because I didn't have any answers.
Fast forward to the beginning of this month, and I had mastered the "fake it till you make it" mentality. I wasn't sleeping at night. When I did, I woke up feeling like I hadn't had any rest. I was sad, bitter, angry, frustrated, and confused. I didn't have that spark in my heart that I originally brought with me to Texas. The last place I wanted to be was 14 hours away from the comfort of my parents and best girl friends.
One of the things I pray over and over for is the opportunity for people to talk to God. I started hearing his voice three years ago, and now we have strengthened our relationship to the point where he feels the need to yell when necessary. At the beginning of the month, our church started a series on the book of Acts. Our campus preacher shared the following verse one Sunday:
My anxiety instantly increased. I had so much school work piling up. I wasn't going to my volunteer opportunities because emotionally I was in no place to be around strangers. If I did go, I usually cried during my drive home because faking happiness for three hours had become exhausting. I didn't want anyone to know what had happened. I didn't want to answer the questions that would follow because I didn't have any answers.
Fast forward to the beginning of this month, and I had mastered the "fake it till you make it" mentality. I wasn't sleeping at night. When I did, I woke up feeling like I hadn't had any rest. I was sad, bitter, angry, frustrated, and confused. I didn't have that spark in my heart that I originally brought with me to Texas. The last place I wanted to be was 14 hours away from the comfort of my parents and best girl friends.
One of the things I pray over and over for is the opportunity for people to talk to God. I started hearing his voice three years ago, and now we have strengthened our relationship to the point where he feels the need to yell when necessary. At the beginning of the month, our church started a series on the book of Acts. Our campus preacher shared the following verse one Sunday:
"I served the Lord with great humility and with tears and in the midst of severe testing by the plots of my opponents." Acts 20:19
He then shared three key points. This is when God started raising his voice towards me.
1. Serve in Humility
2. Serve in Tears (Love & Compassion) for Others
3. Serve through Trials
I should have stood up right then and walked to the alter because the Lord was pulling at my heart with incredible strength in that moment. I have had a personal battle with myself lately about how I can best serve others when my heart isn't in the best place to. How can I continue on with my work at school and my volunteer opportunities when my mind is elsewhere? Those three key points are the ones that I find myself going back to each day when I feel it's going to be a tough one. The mornings where I wake up and ask myself if I have to get out of bed. "Yes Alison, you do."
I share this not so happy ending and sermon with you in hopes that you have the ability to apply it to your own life. We all have our demons, and life isn't easy by any means. Sometimes you have to step into the ring and see what you're made of. How blessed are we that God is happy to not wrestle against us but alongside us!? I encourage you to put on your boxing gloves and step inside the ring. You are stronger than you seem.
I share this not so happy ending and sermon with you in hopes that you have the ability to apply it to your own life. We all have our demons, and life isn't easy by any means. Sometimes you have to step into the ring and see what you're made of. How blessed are we that God is happy to not wrestle against us but alongside us!? I encourage you to put on your boxing gloves and step inside the ring. You are stronger than you seem.
With Love & Laughter,
Alison
Comments
Post a Comment